Politicians, Mortals, Demi-Mortal and Immortals beware… Jebus the Asian Banana is back with a vengence! Check this blog out every week to find more (um.. I’m going to call it) insights! Welcome back to the ‘Asian Banana Zone!’
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The G-Unit
December 8, 2008/The School for the Study of Meaningless News in the Stephen A. Fry Centre for the Advancement of Meaningless News at the Holy Trinity God College in the University of Zion/ 12.03.08
Today, the Minister of Dark Mocha Promotions announced the selective banning of all deragtory remarks regarding of hues in the lower registers. ‘Never again will those people who do not have the prerequsite lifestyles be able make comments about hues in the lower register’. Only those who have many children out of wedlock, with many different partners, and currently not suppling any support what so ever’.
I am sick of people without proper qualificaitons making fun of people with hues of the lower register’ Minister of Dark Mocha Promotions
Those who are caught making fun of people of a darker hue will be forced to have a specified number of Mocha Beans stuffed up their asses. The minister of Sodommy has been said to be extremely turned on by the proposed punishment.
Letting it Slide – Old School
December 4, 2008/Canadian National Press – Toronto/ 11.19.2008
The Science and Legislative Incentive Department Enterpriese (SLIDE) has announed that its director, Slick, was comfortable with letting things slide a bit more. “I’m willing to let it slide a bit further than my friend, Ms. Prude. I am personally comfortable that she be exposed”. When asked for comment Prude replied (in an annoyingly high voice “Dude… I am not a PRRRRRRRRRUDE!” and glowed red. She also noted that she was not currently in a relationship of a physical nature stateing.. “My friend has been telling me that the circumference is more important and height in the calculation of the volume of a cyclinder”.
My ’friend’ told me that the circumference is more important than the length when calculating the volume of a cyclinder – Ms. Prude
When asked for her friend’s name, Ms. Prude, blush purple and said ‘Ms. Spicy Mexican Red Sausage’. Given that there has never been a woman named Ms. Spicy Mexican Red Sausage in the history of life, this reporter doubts the existance of ‘Ms. Bean’ We will keep you up to date with this breaking news.
Urgent Alert: Absolution Liquidity Crisis
September 30, 2008/Divine Press – Holy Central Bank/ 29.09.08
Goddess Abudantia pleaded for clam today as she announced that the Fully Omnipresent Omniscience Depository bank was caught off guard today as it announced the biggest crisis in its 2000 year history. Abundantia the Governor of the FOOD BANK claimed that she was as caught off guard as the rest of the Divine public by the crisis. “How was I supposed to know that we are so screwed?… ooh”, FURTHER DETAILS TO FOLLOW
Banana Denies Race Morph Allegations
September 27, 2008Vice-God candidate today denied allegations that, with time, he will turn dark and, consequently, enjoy rap music. “This is hurtful slander”, Banana told a supportive crowd at an election event in a lawn bowling club, “I never have, and never will be black Afro-Desendent able to enjoy rap”. To claim otherwise is false”. Banana did admit to enjoy ‘White and Nerdy” a white prodidy of a rap song, however, since the artist was a white singer, it did not constitute rap. Banana admitted that sometimes his skin may change into a darker shade of yellow, but that he will peal it off and reveal that he is ‘as white was ancient philosophy’.
I have never have, and never will, be able to enjoy rap – Banana, VIce-God Candidate
Jesus, the other Great God candidate, told a crowd at a New York Deil storefront, that Banana’s race-ambigious attribute was yet another flip-flop of the Jebus-Banana ticket. “Here is a ticket that said that they will make a new way, yet one day Banana is yellow, than he is white, one day he is against potassium, the next day he is for it, what is he doing, grilling salmon?”. Jesus admitted that he also enjoyed white and nerdy, however, he claimed that he was never white nor nerdy. “Yo, when I was down in the E, I totally got mad tail, dog. Them bitches were mighty fine”.
Yo, when I was down in the E, I totally got mad tail, dog - Jesus on his recent trip to Earth
When asked if he was calling female earthlings ‘bitches’, Jesus replied ‘Dude, them were real bitches, yo!” and departed on the More-of-the-Same Express. The Holy Spirit, the spokesbeing for the jesus-God ticket was unavalialbe for follow up. Nevertheless, it is widely known the the term ‘bitch’ in the real sense means female dogs. While this article is not claiming that Jesus was sexually attracted to , or was engaged in sexual activities that would make Paris Hilton blush, with a female dog; the idea must now certainly be out there.
Huge Crack Forms Between Sodom and Gomorrah
September 24, 200809.23.08 Assorted Press.
Political instability continued to worsen today as Sodom and Gomorrah’s formerly solid relationship took a dramatic turn for the worst over the God elections. The crack formed after repeated lighting blots struck between the two neighboring cities leaving a molten mess. Said Travis Steel, Mayor of Sodom “I have never seen anything that geographically compares to what happened” Early reports note that the disagreement between Sodom who supported the first God ticket with a fruit, and Gomorrah which is more conservative in its values. “I have been a big fan of Banana”, Steel declared, “And I am please to be able to support the fruit in its campaign for Vice-Goddom”.
I have never seen anything like it… geographically – Travis Steel, Mayor of Sodom
Dick Bush, mayor of Gomorrah, declared that he liked it just the way it was. Holding an emergency meeting in front of The Bathhouse, the town hall of Gomorrah, Bush declared “We will never let a fruit ascend to the second office in our land”. Bush promoted to penetrate any tight opening that may present for a hardcore political assault. Jebus, the Great God candidate pleaded for clam, “I think God should clean up after himself, there is not reason to jitz all over the place just because you couldn’t control yourself.” The Holy Spirit, the spokes being for the Jesus-God ticket was not available for comment. Sources tell AP that the repeated penetration occurred during an intense ‘Strategy” session between Jesus and God. Repeated cries of “Oh My God” and “Sweet Jesus” were heard from the closed door meeting.
British Monarchy Throws Hat
September 21, 2008Sept.21/08 Divine Press – London
In a suprise move today, the sitting British Monarchy Elizabrth the II has thrown her crown into the ring for the election of Great God. “I am prepared to fulfill the destiny that my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great (and so on) predecisior Henry the VIII promised that I would fulfill when he unified the crown of England and the Church, and become the next Great God.” Elizabeth has been pining since the downfall of the divine right to rule was nullified by God approximately 500 years ago. “If elected, I will make sure that everyone has free dental care… dear GOD! when those children smile at me, I just want to toss my scones. “
When (British) children smile at me, I just want to toss my scones. -Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II on the need for Universal Dental Care
The Godly crowds are buzzing about this new candidate. “I love her” said Budda, “I love everyone, except Sciencetologist.. even I have limits” The Queen’s candidacy makes this a historical election, with a fruit on the vice-God ticket with Jebus, and now a woman on the top of a third ticket. Elizabeth has not named a vice-God partner, rumors suggest that she might pick Elton John or Edward the Confessor.
Banana Claims to be Agent of Change
September 21, 20089/20/2008 Associated Press – The Vatican
Banana, the Vice-God canadidate of the Jebus-Banana Ticket, claims to be the best qualified for the post because he is the agent of change. “I have never been worshipped by anyone… except homosexuals’. This will allow me to lead a whole new way of worship” Banana reportedly told a group of supportive members of the electorial College of Deities. “For too long we have been doing things the old fashioned way, the wine cum grape juice, the crackers that does nothing after a long sermon about food, the whipping… actually, that one I will keep”. The Jebus – Banana ticket is the first mainstream Great God election ticket that features a fruit, and is seen by many to be an agent for change.
“I Have Never Been Worshipped by Anyone… except homosexuals” -Banana, Vice-God Candidate
“He is not all flash” said Zeus, a former Great God who has not expressed his support for either side, “Not all about the lighting bolts, or the parting of the Seas or the rising people from the dead. He has real experience providing people with that they need, namely potassium” The Holy Spirit, the former #3 on the Jesus-God ticker removed because the holy rules state that only two candidates can be on a ticket andnow the spokesbeing for the Jesus-God (JESDO) ticket, said “his potassium benefits are overstated, he was first against potassium before he was for it. All bananas are good for is to practice again gag reflexes… um… you know just in case you have to go to the doctors and get your adam’s apple check.. ahem”.
On related news, the Association of Apes and Salient beings (ASS) is set to announce their endorsement sometime in the near future. “Its an important endorcement announcement” said Habib Yesmin, former president of ASS and current resident of Queenstown, “we realize that the Monkey lobby is strongly in favour to the Jebus-Banana ticket, but you know JESDO sorta created us, it will be a difficult decision”. The consortium of Holy Newcasters will announce tomorrow when the Great God Debates will be held, fringe candidate Dirty Bean has demanded that she be included in the debates, the Consortium is also expected to rule on that tomorrow.
The Jebus-Banana Ticket
September 20, 2008The world has been talking about the McCain-Palin and Obama-Whatshisname tickets for the new White House, but has anybody mentioned the more important race going on for the position of great God of the Universe (which by the way is only 2000 years old, and Alaska is Russia). The tickets of Jesus-Holy Spirit – God ticket vs. the Jebus-Banana ticket. its going to be the latter, trust me, the Jesus-Holy Spirit-God ticket (JEHSG) ticket is in clear violation of the two names per ticket rule, one of them must be dropped, (and, lets fact it, its gonna be the Holy Spirit… what has he (doesn’t even get a capitalized ‘he’) done lately.
So lets evalutate the jesus-God and the Jebus-Banana ticket. First of all… GOODBYE HOLY TRINITY! Its like, what, now a HOLY BINITY (or Holy Bi for short). The other gods will not stand for a bi ticket, pick an orientation and stick with it losers (except Budda, the lets-all-come-together-and-love god… hello, STDs? Unplanned Births… look at what happened that last time that happen.. *glares at Jesus*). Second, why did they put God in the vice-presidental slot.. why is the father not in the front with the prestiage and glory? Why does Jesus not respect God? If you ask me (and yes, I realize you have not), the Jesus-God ticket will not be able to attract the Asian Gods, who places a high value on parental respect. Thats like, what 75% of the Gods (Asians make Gods almost as fast as they make kids, maybe we should adopt a One-God-Per-Couple rule) eligable to vote (sorry Tom Cruise, Scientology is shunned, even in Heaven… even Budda shuns you freaks, you freaks).
its clear that the Jebus-Banana (JEBBA) ticket is in a convincing lead, except for the Scientologist, those freaks.
Welcome to the Asian Banana
September 18, 2008What is an Asian Banana, there are so many different facets of Asian-hood and Banana-ness. This blog will attempt to examine this two factors, to begin with and examine the interrelation and interaction between the two, as well as any development that comes from these interactions. Jebus, the Simpsonian equivent to Jesus Crist our Lord and Saviour, will also be examined in both the abstract as well as what is means to the implementation of solutions to the challanges to Asian Bananahood.
